In order for you to understand my frame of mind while growing up, I’d like to share with you a bit of my past. Some of you may be able to relate, and others may not. This is not meant to be the “boo-hoo, poor me” section. This section was developed specifically to determine where, when, and why I received certain limiting beliefs in my life. After this section was written, I went back and bolded words and situations that cause limiting beliefs which WILL hold someone back later on in life if their mind is not trained correctly.
From the beginning...
From the beginning I was in a world of not knowing. Life was simple. You went to school/work, came home, ate dinner, watched television, showered, and went to bed. I rarely remember doing homework, and never remember a huge emphasis put towards school, sports or being active in the community. There was never story time before bed or anyone checking to make sure I knew everything that was to be known. There was really no accountability as far as my life went.
You see, my parents struggled. We were lower-middle class, but I never remember there being any extra money. My dad worked days and my mom worked nights. There was a very short time each day when we were all together. My dad was always tired and miserable, never paying much attention to us, which unfortunately led to a life of emotional and physical abuse. My mom, thankfully, was/is sweet as pie always being the peace keeper. I now suspect (looking back) that my dad regrets many life choices that he has made regarding business and family. These regrets, at the time, left us spending almost all of the time with my mom, leaving her no time for herself.
I am the third of four children; having two older sisters and a younger brother. This situation left me with many hand me downs, receiving new items only on Christmas and my birthday, and $150 worth of new clothes and shoes every year in September for the entire year. Knowing that many children get nothing, I feel blessed to have received all I had. My mother saved all year long to buy each of us those “necessities” that we so longed for.
My sisters, brother and I went to a Catholic school from Kindergarten to eighth grade in a very small town in upstate New York. We were very sheltered, to say the least. Up until the time I was in ninth grade, I was around only family and the same 20 students that were in my classes from year to year. When I entered high school a door opened that I never knew existed. I was introduced to people who belonged to families who had very different views than my family. I didn’t realize that this was possible! To make a veryyyy long story short, I rebelled, ran away, and got into a crowd that was half good and half not so good. I did a lot of experimenting with drugs, my attitude, and how far I could push people. I then came to my sophomore year of high school and started dating my very first boyfriend of four years.
I was always one of the boys having a tough exterior and always willing to try anything once. Boys were always attracted to this tomboy quality which of course caused the girls to repel me. I was never one of “the girls” and always preferred to hang out with the boys instead. They were more fun, less drama, and protected me emotionally and physically. To this day, I still am great friends with a few of them, for I have a love and respect for them that will never fade. As “bad “ as we all thought we were back then doing silly teenage nonsense, I look back now and see a true, innocent love and bond that is very difficult to come by now that I am in my 30’s.
My four years of high school came and went with the open and closing of my eyes. I struggled in high school with relationships in every aspect of my life; family, friends, boyfriend, teachers. I didn’t enjoy high school the way that I should have. I was very impulsive, lacked self control, and would not be controlled. My boyfriend/best friend cheated on me and I suffered my first great loss in regards to trust and love. I was lost because he and our mutual friends were all I knew. Everything went up in smoke so I removed myself from everyones lives.
I then immediately moved on to boyfriend #2 whom I dated for two years. This boyfriend had a much more relaxed personality and was not very sure of himself. He cared very much about his own self image and was constantly seeking approval from me and others in his life. His mother was very controlling of his father and in turn, I feel made him more passive. At the year and a half mark in our relationship I discovered that he had cheated on me in our first few months of dating. I agreed to continue dating him after he cried, begged and pleaded, but I, nor the relationship were the same. I suffered my second loss and again removed myself from the situation and my new group of “friends”.
I then moved on (again immediately) to my last real relationship I have ever had. This relationship was one of love, hate, lust, openness, control, destruction, and any other word you can possibly think of (on my part, anyways). I never knew there was such a thing as this kind of love until I experienced it. It was damaging to my soul and I feared that I may never recover. The relationship lasted for four years, and ended with cheating, lies, police, lost jobs, abuse, and two broken hearts. I was left to relearn how to love again.
I could not love after that (family, friends, men). I slipped into depression for half a year and went through a chapter of friends moving in and out of my life and a string of destructive relationships with men. I used people, treated them badly, manipulated them, and tested my boundaries to see how far I could go and what I could get. I wanted and needed to understand what the opposite end of love was like. Again, I was lost. This lasted for two and a half years.
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* Please note that all of the bolded words are the thoughts, feelings, and/or actions which put me in a limiting frame of mind. When internalized and without the proper knowledge and training on how to rid those thoughts, they ultimately held me back on numerous occasions from living a free life.
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